I’ve been reflecting on justice within my life as well as how I decide to live a life with integrity, dignity and compassion. The last six months have been extremely transformative for me which is a privilege within itself – that I was and continue to be safe. I had so many questions about the way I was choosing to live my life prior to the pandemic. I knew deep within myself that I wasn’t in alignment with my highest purpose, but I was waiting for the tower to crash. And when it crashed, I was not surprised but had many more wounds to clean and mend in the process.
I’ve done what I thought would be great for my personal growth into financial stability and comfort. Eighteen to twenty-three has been an uphill battle. It was predominantly focused on work. It was getting the wrong mental health diagnoses – and then finally finding a better one that helped me recover. I feel like I’ve been spending so many years in recovery.
This is the first time in my life where I truly feel at balance with my needs, spiritual growth, and creative force. Living more consciously, for me, has been about doing things out of love and purpose. It’s fruitless without those elements. I’ve realised I’ve been building a life, just not the one I really wanted for myself. I wanted to be a writer, poet, researcher, teacher, actor, activist, and lover. And instead, I chose to live behind the comfort of a desk with consistent pay - not realising I had chained myself to my fears.
I felt like I was living a programmed life and at some point, it becomes easy and comfortable – so safe you can close your eyes – pretend that you were made an exception out of your own discipline and will. Then eventually, it starts to eat.
I find it starts with each morning, how you can take for granted a sunrise. It is awful to wake and be angry with life, or worse, indifferent. It is a curse to have more than you materially need and not find peace.
Finding love within myself and in my personal relationships has been very healing. I'm writing more. Being more loving. Seeking forgiveness. Forgiving others. Growing.
The road to recovery was difficult - although that word is an understatement. It was heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, and so lonely it felt like dying would be easier than living. All the times my family, friends, partners, strangers - anyone - broke my heart, it reminded me to keep it open. It reminded me to keep my heart open, even when it hurt.
If you needed to hear it today, the road to recovery is about saying thank you more times than you say sorry; it's about keeping your heart open, no matter how many times it breaks.
Thank you for reading.